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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 24 January 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 24 January 2015

A newlywed couple arrives in t

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex.
So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. ''OK, honey,'' he says, ''this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom.'' The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees.
So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection...
The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife, right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.
The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hospital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, ''Doc, doc, how bad is it?''
''That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob.''
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

You see....

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

#joke
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #10 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Thinnest Books Around


Thinnest Books

  1. The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
  2. The Amish Phone Directory
  3. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
  4. George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
  5. French Hospitality
  6. Everything Women Know About Men
  7. Everything Men Know About Women
  8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
  9. Different Ways To Spell Bob
  10. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
  11. America's Most Popular Lawyers
  12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
  13. The Wild Years-By Al Gore
  14. Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
  15. Human Rights Advances In China
  16. To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
  17. The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
  18. My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
  19. How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.


#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Week 4 January 2015

Best Fails of the Week 4 January 2015 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

April Fool's Day Prank - Swap hand sanitzer...

Swap hand sanitzer with personal lubricant.
#joke #short #aprilfoolsday #prank
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - The world's largest monitor

The world's largest monitor | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"The Lord giveth...the IRS taketh away."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

I made a Hallowe'en pun

I made a Hallowe'en pun in January. Guess I spook too soon.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Yo mama is so flat

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of the wall!

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of a book!

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of a piece of paper!

#joke #short #yomama
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The Blonde Hostess

Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge?

For people who don't drink.

#joke #short #blonde #beer
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Do not be racist; be like Mari

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The worst two Winters

The worst two Winters of the 20th century . . . Mike and Bernie.

Victor Borges (1909-2000)

Picture: AP

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

“A man just assaulted

“A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Two robins were sitting in a t...

Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."    

#joke
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A wise man once said ...... go...

A wise man once said ...... go ask a woman
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 08 December 2012
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (5)

Deliverance

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence.
The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 January 2010
  • Currently 5.93/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (55)

Four college friends were so c...

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
#joke #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 January 2010
  • Currently 2.77/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (48)

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 24 January 2011
  • Currently 5.41/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (37)

When the Aztec warri...

“When the Aztec warrior was about to be punished severely, he was so sad he was disheartened.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 January 2014
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (35)

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