Jokes of the day for Monday, 23 February 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 23 February 2015 |
A native american hitchhiker and brown paper bag
A native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.
As they were driving along, the Indian noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.
The city man replied:
"It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife".
The Indian looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said: "Good trade".
All I want is a beer
One Friday night, a 17-year-old boy went into a bar and sat down at a table in the corner of the pool room. When the waitress walked over to his table, the teenager said: "Gimme a beer."
The waitress eyed him for a moment and said: "Look, sonny. Do you want to get me in trouble?"
The boy glanced back at her and replied: "Maybe later. Right now all I want is a beer."
Following The Leader
The teacher said; "Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.'"Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," Joe replied.
A wife had suffered for a week
A wife had suffered for a week from a really nasty virus and it left her feeling completely wiped out. On the first day that she could crawl out of bed, she discovered a "silver lining."Pulling on a pair of jeans, she called out to her husband, "These jeans fit! They finally fit!"
"That's great," the husband replied, "but they're mine."
Computer humor...
The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows.' The woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.'**********************************************************************
Tech Support: 'How much free space do you have on your hard drive?'
Customer: 'Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?'
**********************************************************************
Tech Support: 'Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.'
Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'
Customer: 'What do you mean?'
Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.'
Customer: 'I'm not going to do that!'
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Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: 'I'd like a mouse pad, please.'
Salesperson: 'Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.'
Customer: 'But will they be compatible with my computer?'
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer: 'Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?'
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: 'Hi. Is this the Internet?'
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Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to 'The Internet.'
**********************************************************************
Customer: 'So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?'
Tech Support: 'Yeah.'
Customer: 'And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?
Tech Support: 'Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.'
**********************************************************************
Tech Support: 'All right...now double-click on the File Manager Icon.'
Customer: 'That's why I hate this Windows...because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.'
Tech Support: 'Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-'
Customer: 'I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons.'
Tech Support: 'Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?'
Customer: [click]
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Customer: 'My computer crashed!'
Tech Support: 'It crashed?'
Customer: 'Yeah, it won't let me play my game.'
Tech Support: 'All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.'
Customer: 'No, it didn't crash-it crashed.'
Tech Support: 'Huh?'
Customer: 'I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work.'
(Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.)
Tech Support: 'Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.''
Customer: [pause] 'Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?'
Answering Machine Message 230
Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota.
How do you cut a diamond? With
How do you cut a diamond? With a karat-y chop.After eight days of backpackin...
After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
Saint Patrick's
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. FAULT: The Bar is closing. ACTION: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
Black, White, Black
Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A: A nun falling down stairs.
Little Johnny's Confession
The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.
“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires
The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that? Sex and athletics....
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
Pete Holmes: Employee Discount
What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it? Parents
What do you call a couple who uses the rhythm method of birth control?Parents.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
