Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 March 2015

The pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did," he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?" she asked.

"I got fired," he replied.

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she demanded.

"Oh... she got fired too."

“When it comes to nou

“When it comes to nourishment, a boa's best friend is his smother.”

A woman goes to the doctor for

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"Nine stone two pounds," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is Eleven stone 8 pounds.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

Truman at the Washington Garden Club....

Harry Truman was known for his blunt manner of speaking. When he made a speech at the Washington Garden Club, he kept referring to the "good manure" that needed to be used on the flowers.

Some society women complained to his wife, Bess. "Couldn't you get the President to say 'fertilizer'?" they asked.

Mrs. Truman replied, "Heavens, no! It took me twenty-five years to get him to say 'manure.'"

 Why Ask Why 04

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

The Angel and the Statues

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male -- both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed upon you. I grant you the gift of life -- albeit, as a limited offer. You have thirty minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."
And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment. They looked all around, at their own bodies and back at each other.
Smiling, they then ran to the nearby woods and dove behind a large bush.
The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. (Angels aren't naive.)
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.
Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
"Oh yes!" the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL dump on its head."

Anyone who can fart on command

Anyone who can fart on command belongs in an insta toot.

Patient: "What are the chances

Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. "Yours is the tenth case I've treated;
the others all died."

a.. Age is a very high price t

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than goingto a garage makes you a mechanic.
c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've nevertried before.
g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life isserious
i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite governmentprogram.
k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need thetrip.
l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your wayagain.
m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel sogood.
o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of thewaist change places.
s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize amistake when you make it again.
w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is whenI'm in the bathroom.
z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall nevercease to be amused.

Vatican music

The Vatican is releasing a new CD that features Pope John Paul II reciting prayers while rapping to rock music.

I think the new Pope is taking this thing a bit too far because today he announced he's having a feud with the West Coast rappers!

Ants in Your Pants

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

A: He got pissed off.

Question: What did one toilet

Question: What did one toilet roll say to the other toilet roll?
Answer: "People keep on ripping me off!"

I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas

I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.

Eric Morecambe (1926-1984), seen here with comedy partner Ernie Wise

Picture: Rex Features

Jon Lajoie: Mysteries of the Universe

I have this thing that I do called Mysteries of the Universe, when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.

Bill Burr: What Cubicles Say

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, You know what? We dont think youre smart enough for an office, but we dont want you to look at anybody.

I Dare You

At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."

Pope has email

The Vatican has unveiled a email address for the new Pope.

In related news, the Pope has received a confidential financial offer from the President of Nigeria.

Make Life Simpler Tips

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
   
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
   
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
   
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
   
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
   
6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
   
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
   
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.