Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 29 April 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 29 April 2015 |
A Frog Walks Into A Bank
A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"
"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"
"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager."
The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this.
"As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant.
"What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!"
"Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts.
"Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog.
"Why, it's Keith Richards!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?"
"Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager.
"There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Keith Richards! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?"
The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Black, give the frog a loan.
The supervisor for the Union O...
The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order."Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work four days a week!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.
"We'll quit work at 4PM and not 5PM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.
"We don't have to be in until 11AM instead of 10AM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.
"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!"
Silence.
A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"
“After buying a new p
“After buying a new pair of denim pants, the young man became very congenial the rest of day.”
Shalom Race
As you may know, in a shalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds and the Italian in 38.1 seconds. Next came the Israeli's turn ... the crowd waited, and waited...six minutes!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those idiots put a mezuzah on each gate?"
The bun rises in the yeast.
The bun rises in the yeast.
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer ...
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Buy your grade...
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Humor About The Elderly
OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way
OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe
OLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just...don't
OLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over
OLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the young
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed
OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out
OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate
Shy guy in bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"
Church Bell
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble.
"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.
Answering Machine Message 225
(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.
Every time a bell rings Chuck ...
Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills a bear.Salvation by Annoyance
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
Chicken Gun
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken..
