Jokes of the day for Thursday, 21 May 2015

A woman went into a busy cake...

A woman went into a busy cake shop and when it was her turn to be served she commented, "You know, I came into this shop 15 years ago when I was just a girl."
Snapped the harassed shop assistant, "I'm sorry about that but I'm serving as fast as I can."

“My dentist is sneaky

“My dentist is sneaky. He pulled a fast one!”

A Shipwreck’s Synagogue

After many years shipwrecked on a desert island, Kaplan is rescued by a passing ship. Before leaving for home, he shows the ship’s Captain around the island. He points out the house he built from twigs and rocks and the vegetable garden he built to provide food. He then takes the Captain to the water’s edge and shows him the lovely synagogue he built."If this is the synagogue, then what’s that building over there?" the Captain asks.
Kaplan explains, "This is the synagogue that I go to. And that, that’s the synagogue I wouldn’t be caught dead in."

A doctor examining a woman who...

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Law of Mechanical Repair: Afte

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated withgrease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to theleast accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directlyproportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never geta busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for workbecause you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flattire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the oneyou were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (worksevery time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, thetelephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone youknow increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that amachine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inverselyproportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthestfrom the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee iscold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a lockerroom, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jellysandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated tothe newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't knowwhat you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,they will stop making it.

Jury selection...

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Property holder?"

Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"

Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

 Answering Machine Message 120

I'm pretending that I'm marooned on a desert island with Dana Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence. Since I don't have a telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the sound of the beep, and maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few days. Then if the professor gets stranded here, we'll create a satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll get right back to you.

Rubick's Cube

What do Rubick's Cubes and penises have in common?

- The more you play with them, the harder they get.

Mimes

Q: What's black and white and red all over?

A: Mimes in a chainsaw fight.

Banner in front of the toilet

MEN to the left because
WOMEN are always right!

Cow and grass

Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

Being rude is easy

Being rude is easy. It does not take any effort and is a sign of weakness and insecurity. Kindness shows great self-discipline and strong self-esteem. Being kind is not always easy when dealing with rude people. Kindness is a sign of a person who has done a lot of personal work and has come to a great self-understanding and wisdom. Choose to be kind over being right and you’ll be right every time because kindness is a sign of STRENGTH. ~ Author Unknown

Source: Webstagra.ms

According to Einstein's theory...

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

The Cat and the Saus

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.

The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!

Give Bubba a Chance

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."

Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!"

Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"

Ben Bailey: Restless Leg Syndrome

Restless leg syndrome. Cmon, what kind of horseshit is that? Its a syndrome? Restless leg syndrome? I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome, but its a hell of a lot more serious than some freakin wiggly legs.