Jokes of the day for Monday, 25 May 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 25 May 2015 |
A duck walks into a Dairy
A duck walks into a dairy and says
"Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!"
But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him.
He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed.
The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer.
The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips... heh heh heh
His beloved old white converti
His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police.Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone.
"We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"
“I ordered that a vau
“I ordered that a vault and speakers be delivered at my home yesterday. They arrived safe and sound.”
I did you a favour and fed the
I did you a favour and fed the singer of ‘Rolling in the Deep'. It was in Philadelphia.Ski season...
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list ofexercises to get you prepared:16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer afterevery use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half ofyour head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smearedon the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessorybag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line themwith crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around yourtoes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend torun into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for ahamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride amotorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it'sin a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let thespray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until itmelts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed totake them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday untilit's time for the real thing!
Steven Wright 26
All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
At the mall
A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Woolworthâs manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
Grandpa and grandma were watch
Grandpa and grandma were watching the televisionevangelical show and the preacher said, if theviewers at home wanted to be healed, place onehand on the television set and the other handon the body part where they wanted to be healed.Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the televisionset, placed her right hand on the set and herleft hand on her arthritic shoulder that wascausing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placedhis right hand on the set and his left hand onhis crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess youjust don't get it. The purpose of doing thisis to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
Seeing a spider
Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when it disappears!
Shane Mauss: Freak Accident
I went to a Six Flags. Theres this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough. But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees. I was like, What a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line. If, by some incredible space-t...
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.Planning WWIII
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Mid Semester Final Exam
One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinkinig till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could take the test after 3 days. The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:
MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION
INSTRUCTIONS : All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.
Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS) Q.2. Write the name of the bride and groom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS) Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS) Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS) Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)
