Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 June 2015

Friday

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!

One day, a man at a restaurant...

One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly called out, "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

“There is something m

“There is something missing from my flower bouquet she said lackadaiscally.”

St. Peter and the Blonde

Some ecclesiastical gentlemen -- a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others -- were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him: "While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined."

Larry was startled to see the...

Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”
“I’m waiting.”
“Waiting for what?” asked Larry.
“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.”

A little town in southern Illinois ...

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town,above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as youcan guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up."

Two cows....

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replied, "Ah, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."

 The NFL Team Names

NFL Team Lame Names
When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
AFC West:
Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks
AFC Central:
Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers
AFC East:
Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils
Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins
Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots - New England Patsys
New York Jets - New York Pets
New York Not Yets
NFC West:
Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners
NFC Central:
Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's
Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers
Green Bay Slackers
Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes
Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
NFC East:
Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls
Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants - New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins
Expansion Teams:
Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

Thoroughbred or nag?

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

Helen Keller walks into a bar,

Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.

Problem With Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

There’s a light inside of everyone

There’s a light inside of everyone. No matter what, someone is always going to come around and try to dim that light or shut it off. Whatever you do, you hold on to that light and you fight. You fight to not let that person tear you down, you fight for the right to define yourself, to not let anyone else tell you who you are. You gotta keep your head up, because people will always hang around waiting for you to fall, for the light to shut off. Don’t ever let someone fade the light that makes you beautiful. Because in the end, you’re the one who controls how brightly you shine.

Dogs Take Their Licks

Q: Why do dogs lick themselves?

A: Because they can.

Funny Quotes from Gore

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

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"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

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"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

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"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

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"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

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"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

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"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

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"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

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"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

Contrary to popular belief the...

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

The Advil Commandments

So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."

William Wilson: Hot Brick Church

We just had an old brick church. Its like a barbeque pit, just hot -- HOT. Everybody in theres fanning. Old ladies got them old funeral parlor fans, they just fanning. Im sweating. And the preacher, If you dont straighten out, youre going to hell! Im like, Well, what is this? Practice?

teeth

If your toddler has more teeth than you, you might just be a redneck.