Jokes of the day for Thursday, 20 August 2015

A city slicker was driving thr...

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand pounds!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been conned. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

“Of all the philosoph

“Of all the philosophers, Descartes can carry the most things.”

A Priest's Job Promotion

A Catholic priest and a rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotions.
"What do you have to look forward to in terms of being promoted?" asked the rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the rabbi.
"Well, next I can become a bishop."
"Yes, and then?"
"If I work real hard and do a good job as bishop, it's possible for me to become an archbishop.""OK, then what?"
Exasperated, the priest replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a cardinal."
"And then?"
Growing angry, the priest responded, "Well, with lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work, if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?"
"Good grief!" shouted the priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," responded the rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Uber is in trouble because it...

Uber is in trouble because it doesn't pay any taxi.

Harry and Esther are out shopp...

Harry and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric."
Harry replies, "How about a chair?"

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder And

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all thekids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy likeNorman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in acircle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison forthree years, not Princeton .."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps acolor photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find myclothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen ofheavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless ofwhat time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining toCoach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be anuncle or an aunt.
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told aplayer who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why hetakes his wife on all the road trips....
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Making money

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 At A Grocery Store

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

Why Men Live So Long

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will

work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on

your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will

live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too

much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You

will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to

whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his

table scraps and live for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like

that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.

You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You

will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown

of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10

years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the

only rational Being that walks the earth. You will

use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of

the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20

years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too

little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused,

the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey

rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry

and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy

loads on his back. Then, he is to have

children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and

eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;

then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting

like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Catch a Bra

Q: How do you catch a bra?

A: Set up a boobie trap.

Did you hear about the guy who

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Nurse Jenny

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"      

Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't...

Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't a storm. It's where Chuck Norris puts his victims.

Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

A mother mouse and a baby mous...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Answering Machine Message 19

(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.

Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"