Jokes of the day for Saturday, 26 September 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 26 September 2015 |
A beautiful, voluptuous woman...
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Hymns for Senior Citizens
"Precious Lord, Take My hand and Help Me Up”"It Is Well With My Soul, but My Knees Hurt”
"Just a Slower Walk with Thee”
"Go Tell It on the Mountain, but Please Speak Up”
"Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing”
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
A man was pulled over for spee...
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it's right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too." And your crybaby whinny opinio
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Answering Machine Message 55
English accent: Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get better. “Hear about the new E
“Hear about the new EU approved pan? Apparently it isn't Greece proof.”
Get Me My Drink
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"
What Really Happened in Washington DC
The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual
conduct with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself
against such claims. However the President would like to
state that it is possible that a perfectly innocent incident
has been twisted by right wing Republicans in order to
undermine his administration.
Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was
necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some
embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said
that he unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing
as his zipper got stuck.
Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he
found he could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for
medical reasons, was forced to enlist the assistance of one
of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky.
In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton, Miss Lewinsky had to
kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the
zipper.
For medical reasons Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no
undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to
end the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr.
Clinton's penis may have fallen out of his trousers.
As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure
that she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be
seen with his penis hanging out, she took the presidential
penis into her mouth so that it would not be visible should
anyone enter the room.
Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose
as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of
her face so she could properly visualize his fly.
It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton's
fly, and it was during this time that another staff member
entered the room and apparently completely misconstrued the
situation.
Mr. Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing
unusual about his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky.
He did say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a
number of occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky's repeated
assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.
Outer Space exists because it ...
Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.Julian McCullough: List of Priorities
I dont have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, I would like these curtains, please. And they were like, $40. And I was like, Nope. Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out Id rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life. Dad Will Never Say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Jimmy Carr: Why Men Use Viagra
The reason old men use Viagra is not because theyre impotent. Its because old women are so very ugly. 
