Jokes of the day for Friday, 27 November 2015

“The Pinwheel joke di

“The Pinwheel joke didn't go around fast enough.”

How to Cook a Turkey<

How to Cook a Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey.
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD.
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven.
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens.
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
Step 7: Turn oven the on.
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky.
Step 9: Turk the bastey.
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get.
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey.
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey.
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick.
Step 17: Turk the carvey.
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch.
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

Relatives....

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

Someone who gets crushed to de

Someone who gets crushed to death shopping on Black Friday, aka a Walmartyr.

As a concierge at a posh resor

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the skifacilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a longflight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool,200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the manbehind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for theelevator."

Safe Blonde

has does a blonde have safe sex?

She locks the car door.

How do Mexicans take a family

How do Mexicans take a family portrait? They all gather together on the back of a pickup truck and run a red light!

Difference between a Friend and a Best Friend?

Difference between a Friend and a Best Friend? A friend: Wow, you are so pretty. Best Friend: Shrek called, he wants his face back.

Lawyer's Revenge

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents read

"Consultation: $25.00."

 Must Be Out Of Shape

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape

1. You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
   
2. People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
   
3. You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
   
4. Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
   
5. Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
   
6. You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.
   
7. You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
   
8. Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
   
9. The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"
   

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A woman goes into Wal-Mart...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."

The Sharkeisha super falcon pu...

The Sharkeisha super falcon punch is as close as anyone has ever gotten to the force of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Adam Ferrara: Love This Girl

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

Now What? (world's funniest joke)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. .

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". .

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." .

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. .

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" .

This is The "world's funniest joke", as by the THE SCIENTIFIC SEARCH FOR THE WORLD’S FUNNIEST JOKE by Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002

The Winning joke, which was later found is based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan

Photo by Rhett Noonan on Unsplash

Happy International Joke Day July the first!

A doctor and a lawyer were att...

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, 'I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?'

The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.