Jokes of the day for Friday, 04 December 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 04 December 2015 |
Three guys are convicted of a
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five kids. He says, "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going, "Anybody got a match?"
What causes it?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Which monster is always on tim
Which monster is always on time? The Sasqwatch.Dear Mr. Hinckley
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you
how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in
your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding
and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral
consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the
land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born
against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are
aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you
to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident
that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to
your family to join the world again as a healthy and
productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.
After Brian proposed to Jill...
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
It was considered a unique fin
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least Three thousand years old!The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.They held a huge Meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a Woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel Dig the Ass on that Chick.' "
One day an engineer dies.He wa...
One day an engineer dies.He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners.When he went to heaven he met God. God says "Go to hell, you're not on my list."So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hell the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you dont let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You dont even have lawyers up there!"
Chuck Norris doesn't read book...
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.In Wales, after a road acciden...
In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.A prisoner in jail receives a ...
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
Colin Quinn: New Yorkers Take a Compliment
You can always tell who was raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Nice haircut. Screw you. Whats wrong with it? 
