Jokes of the day for Saturday, 30 January 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 30 January 2016 |
A Polish girl went to the gyne
A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?"
"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."
Bungee Jumping
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.
As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.
Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??
Animals Go To Heaven
A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?'
The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'
Two Irish nuns have just arriv
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to theother, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we mightas well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor andthey both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs infoil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to abench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers...cautiously: "What part did you get?
If You Were my Husba
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink."
The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''
Waking Up for Church
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going.""Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"
Little Johnny is taking a show...
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Christmas Present
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
I Want To Buy A Golf Ball
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
A Blonde's Brain
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early."Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette.
"We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde.
"I almost got caught."
The Priest and the Politician
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited."You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Signs of the times
In the front yard of a funeral home, 'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'On an electrician's truck, 'Let us remove your shorts.'
Outside a radiator repair shop, 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
On a maternity room door, 'Push, Push, Push.'
On a taxidermist's window, 'We really know our stuff.'
On a butcher's window, 'Let me meat your needs.'
On a fence, 'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'
On a muffler shop, 'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'
In a dry cleaner's emporium, 'Drop your pants here.'
On a desk in a reception room, 'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'
In a veterinarian's waiting room, 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a Beauty Shop, 'Dye now!'
In a restaurant window, 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'
In a cafeteria, 'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'
