Jokes of the day for Sunday, 20 March 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 20 March 2016 |
APRIL FOOL'S DAY PRANKS - Drippy
Use a pin to make a few small holes in a plastic disposable cup. The holes should be near the top, just below the rim. Offer a drink to the victim and watch while the liquid dribbles out onto their shirt when they take a drink.A New Hampshireman stops by a
A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies.As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
Lost at Sea?
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course.""Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"
I deserted from Genghis Khan.
I deserted from Genghis Khan. I swore I wouldn't join Mongol Sam's army.Self help...
A man walks into a book store and asks the clerk if she could tell him where the "self-help" area is.
She replied, "Of course I can, but that would defeat the purpose, now wouldn't it?"
An Organization That Makes Men Fear Marriage
The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.
It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.
The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.
True Medical Stories
True Medical Stories (??)
A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes
out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes
jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that
there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's
in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to
the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal
fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless
read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when
the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me.
This is only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the
doctor "The patch," he replied, "the nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and I've run out of places to put
it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what
he hoped he wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on
his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After a
look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about
twenty years . . . when my husband was still alive."
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's
your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for
the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste," the
patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly."
Yo momma is so fat she went to
Yo momma is so fat she went to church with heels on and when she came back home they were flats.Some people should be thankful
Some people should be thankful that i can control the crazy. Harold was an old man. He was
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold hadbreakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!
Where ya from, Sam?
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
A fellow nurse at my hospital ...
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
A vertically challenged psychi...
A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."One day my friend as...
“One day my friend asked me, how do you take such good care of your saxophone. I responded with tenor, love and care.”
