Jokes of the day for Thursday, 31 March 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 31 March 2016 |
April Fool’s Day Pranks
1. Take something from someone’s office and leave them a ransom note.2. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook calendar.
3. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
4. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
5. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
6. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.
Little Johnny was so proud of
Little Johnny was so proud of the surprise birthday cake he made for his mom, but it was all she could do to swallow even one bite."How do you like it, Mommy?"
"It's wonderful, John."
Little Johnny beamed. "I'm glad. I'm sorry there's no candles on top but, when I took it out of the oven, they were all gone!"
I don't have an attitude prob
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the gutsto bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Where's your homework?
Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!
Elephant Jokes 06
What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather?
One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!
What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?
I don't know!
Well I'm not asking you to post my letters!
What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil?
One rarely bites and the other barely writes!
How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse?
Try picking them up!
What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!
What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?
What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3,000 miles!
What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry?
A gooseberry is green!
The Redneck Animal Park
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very "in the
mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the
problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse,
there were no male gorillas of the species available. While
reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed
Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the
animals' cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the
park administrators thought
they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a
proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the
gorilla for $500?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I
don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never
tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly
agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third
condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week
to come up with the $500."
Women should come with instructions
Men say that women should come with instructions. What's the point of that? Have you ever seen a man actually read the instructions? Anxious Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"If you talk to God, it's prayer. If God talks to you, it's schizophrenia."Stopped By The Police
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
Three old ladies are sitting i...
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"A Meeting With the Board
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,†said the minister.
“I know,†said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.â€
Homework Help
Parents are expected to participate in their childrens education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, John, whenever hes stumped. One day after school, John ran into the house waving a paper in the air. Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework, he announced. You made one, Dad made one and I made one!
