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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 19 May 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 19 May 2016

An American attorney had just

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

“I read a book about

“I read a book about gravity, it was a heavy subject.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #68 - Funny Photo Slideshow

These great questions and answ

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at n*dist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Sunday school....

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "thou shall not kill."

#joke
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - Haystacks pyramids and Sphinx

Haystacks pyramids and Sphinx - Someone got bored on a farm | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Yo mama is so greasy

Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!

Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!

Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her

#joke #short #yomama
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

A guy believed that his wife i

A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: "Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee."
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Man of The House

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 November 2015
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (14)

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth...

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 May 2011
  • Currently 2.91/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (47)

Todd Barry: Summer School

I never understood the concept of summer school. The teachers going to go up there and go, OK, class, you know that subject you couldnt grasp in nine months? Were going to whip it out in six weeks.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 May 2010
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (46)

Two babies lies in the birth section

Baby 1: I'm a boy.
Baby 2: prove it.
Baby 1: Not in front of the nurse.
Baby 2: Okay The nurse leaves
Baby 2: Prove it.
Baby 1: Look, blue socks...
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 May 2010
  • Currently 6.26/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (38)

Two very elderly men were havi...

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 May 2010
  • Currently 6.41/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (32)

One day, Jimmy Jones was walki...

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 May 2015
  • Currently 8.85/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (20)

John Caparulo: Yard Sales on Memorial Day

Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so its like Mardi Gras for white trash.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 May 2012
  • Currently 3.87/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (47)

Goodbye, mother

Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said. “I'm sorry if I've been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.
“I'm sorry for your loss,” the young man replied. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well, as I'm leaving, could you just say ‘Goodbye, mother!?' It would make me feel so much better.” She gave him a sweet smile.
“Of course I can,” the young man promised.
As she gathered her bags and left, he called out “Goodbye, mother!” just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.
Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. “That amount is wrong,” he said. “I only have a few items!”
“Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her,” explained the clerk.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 August 2014
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Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

Surfing while middle-aged requ...

Surfing while middle-aged requires a lot of forty dude.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
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