Jokes of the day for Friday, 27 May 2016

There were these two guys out

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!
The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

“Don't waste kindnes

“Don't waste kindness on a rotary engine - they never reciprocate.”

Three nurses went to heaven, a

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

What does two plus two equal?

A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What does two plus two equal?" The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What does two plus two equal?"

The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

Dentist appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis and yisman

Q: Did you hear about the guy

Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
A: He burped 7Up.

Amy Schumer: Worst Part About Drinking

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When Im drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

The phrase "dead ringer" refer...

The phrase "dead ringer" refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Tennis lesson

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member".

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth."

Hillary goes to heaven

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."

Jordan Rubin: German Porno

I got a German porno movie the other day. It has subtitles, which is great cause, otherwise, I would have had no idea what was going on.

A trucker who has been out on...

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick."

When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...

When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...

I WAS SHOCKED!

Author:Wonderland6914

Passover Miracles for Moses?

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."
Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's...that's fantastic. I can't believe it! But what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."

Hark, I hear the cannons roar

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"

So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."

He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."

 

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. 

Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"