Jokes of the day for Monday, 27 June 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 27 June 2016 |
An Englishman, a Scotsman and...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."
#joke #sport #olympic
The magazine about c...
“The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.”
#joke #short
A true tech support story...
Tech Support: 'What does the screen say now.'Person: 'It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.'
Tech Support: 'Well?'
Person: 'How do I know when it's ready?'
#joke #short
Answering Machine Message 212
Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.
#joke #short
One day a man was walking in t
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"#joke #animal #owl
According to the FBI, most mod
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticatedand unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This informationwas included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bankbefore robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing theloot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of thefellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while makinghis getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank anddown the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passingpolice car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdupnote by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to theground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelopebearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature andaccount number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried tohold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where heshowed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a notesaying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointmenton his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bankrobbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawingattention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida whotook a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove upto a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered thesecurity men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller'scar, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego andBoston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself inthe head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminalin Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, forexample, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bankholdups reported.
Sinking boat
There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."
The rabbi said, "fuck the children."
The priest said, "Do we have time?"
#joke #short
Nagasaki never had a bomb drop...
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.#joke #short #chuck-norris
Jim Gaffigan: Easier for Attractive People
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and theyre attractive, you think, Oh, theyre nice, but if a strangers ugly, youre like, What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo. #joke #short
Jon Reep: Southern Accents
People think youre an idiot. I dont know where they get that idea. But when they hear my accent for the first time, I can tell theyre looking at me and theyre just waiting for me to say something like, What are shoes for? #joke #short
