Jokes of the day for Friday, 08 July 2016

After 40 years of marriage, th...

After 40 years of marriage, the wife had not received a gift for Xmas, birthday, or anniversary since the first Xmas. So she drug her husband to the counselor.

After explaining all of this to the counselor, she looked at her husband with tears in her eyes and asked, "Why do you treat me this way?"
The husband said, "I am a very practical man, so when you use the first present I got you, I'll get you another."
The counselor asked, "What did he get you?"
The wife bowed her head and whispered, "A cemetery plot."

“A butter is an angry

“A butter is an angry goat.”

Some Very Common Traits In Two Drunks

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

Smoking sisters

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,

'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'

The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.

'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'

'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.

The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'

'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.

'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'

The sister thought for a minute and finally said:

'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'

Difference between hypothetical and reality

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”

The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”

The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

At a college with a shady repu

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean respondedto investigations into the basketball team by suspending anybasketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won'twin this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand atthis college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to thebasketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six timesseven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you makingsuch a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

Do Your Boobs?

One day this guy named Dan was sitting in class next to a really hot girl named Jen. He was a dork but had a huge chrush on Jen. Dan wanted to tell her about his chrush on her but didn't know how to. So he said "Are your boobs so hard that when you touch them your fingers start bleeding?"

Jen was totally grossed out and said in reply "I guess you've never seen boobs before" **The End**

First hand job

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"

"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"

Chuck Norris' favourite cut of...

Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

Hamburger

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Ben Bailey: Slow People in the Subway

The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and Im trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. Its been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway?

25 jokes that blend well with coffee

A customer walks into a coffee shop. She asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?”
The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.”
The customer responds, “Thanks. I’ll have a refill.”

Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.

Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.

Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
A: A mugging!

Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time.

Q: What did the coffee addict name her cats?
A: Cream and Sugar.

Q: What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
A: Better latte than never!

Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A: A depresso

Q: What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
A: Their friendship came to a bitter end.

Q: How are coffee beans like teenagers?
A: They are always getting grounded.

Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
A: Déjà brew.

Thanks a latte for me being my friend

You mocha me very happy.

You’re brew-ti-ful.

A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under her arm. At the counter she says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”

There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.

If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ….You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you feel in the morning.

She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.

I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.

A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

Coffee and I are the perfect blend.

If the coffee is decaf, we’re gonna have a latte problems.

A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Susan?”

Procaffeinating (n). – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.

I like my men like I like my coffee…Tall, dark and rich

Sue Over The Property

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Eating Some Peanuts

There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

There was a farmer who grew wa...

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"