Jokes of the day for Sunday, 10 July 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 10 July 2016 |
Two young men from up in Minne...
Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.Ole says to the Sven, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
A man walks into a hamburger s
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later,the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, andnotices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yellingfrantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in myhamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise,he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should seehim make donuts."
Survival techniques
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Bad News, Good News, Great News
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
Hot Horseradish
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."
AOL Car
The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
Jeff Dunham: Difficulty in Being Politically Correct
Jeff Dunham: Youre afraid of offending people?Achmed: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: Youre a terrorist. You kill people.
Achmed: Thats different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass.
Signs Seen Near Church
The following are actual signs found on church property.
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
All your base are belong to Ch...
All your base are belong to Chuck Norris.22 Friday The 13th Jokes
What’s way worse than Friday the 13th?
Monday the whatever.
Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday.
What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it’s Friday Thirteenth.
What’s the worst part about waking up to realize it’s Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work.
Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks.
Why don’t people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too.
Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don’t worry about it if you don’t know, you’ll find out.
What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married.
Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married.
What’s the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce.
Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you’ll at least expect it.
What’s the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world.
Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it’s the one day of the year where you won’t be lucky.
What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all.
Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th.
Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones.
How do you know that it’s Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you.
Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it’s not a Saturday.
What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason.
What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky.
What’s the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.
An old Chinese couple was cele...
An old Chinese couple was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. At bed time the old lady looked over at her husband of 4 decades and said, "For our anniversary I want you to pick any sexual pleasure you desire and I will do it".The old man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to try the 69".
The old Chinese woman stared at her husband with a confused look on her face and said, "You want the beef with rice or chips?"
What day it is today?
Whilst sitting down for breakfast a woman says to her husband, "I bet you don’t know what day it is today."
The husband replies, "Of course I do darling. How could I ever forget?"
The husband leaves for work and later that morning a dozen red roses are delivered. In the afternoon a huge box of chocolates arrive at the door followed by a beautiful evening dress. When he arrives back home the husband gives his wife a beautiful pearl necklace.
His wife throws her arms around him and gives him a huge kiss, exclaiming,
"I've never had such a wonderful Chinese New Year in my whole life!"
