Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 20 July 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 20 July 2016 |
What would you like to hear?
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"
My first job was working in an...
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!
Why can't you trust...
“Why can't you trust Satan's resume?
- The devil lies in the details.”
Ponderings Collection 02
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
An engineer was crossing a roa...
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable. Chuck Norris is so fast, he ca...
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.Odd Rabbi Out
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Winding up the tough guy
I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."
My Dad Scribbles
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A woman places an ad in the lo...
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” 
Visit to the museum
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
