Jokes of the day for Monday, 08 August 2016
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 08 August 2016
I must have a rais..."I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.
“A moat protects a ca
“A moat protects a castle in a round-about way.”
A lady went into a bar in Waco...A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Funny video of the day - Best Videos Compilation Week 1 August 2016
Your friend the computerYou know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word.
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows 'no new messages' and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to 'Netscape' before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say 'LOL, LOL'.
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
Assortment Of Jokes1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? !
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Be silly. Be fun. Be different. Be crazy. Be youBe silly. Be fun. Be different. Be crazy. Be you, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
Punishment for Missing Church
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."
How God Created the ComputerIn the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.
On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.
A Rabbi and a Priest Buy a Car…
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.
The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie."
One Sunday a pastor told the c...One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Finally getting married
My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!
Me in August, and her in November.
When You Go
If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you leave the bathroom, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
A man was sitting alone in his...A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you
made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"