Jokes of the day for Sunday, 04 September 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 04 September 2016 |
"Can you explain to me how thi
"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered."No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
Joe's wife bought a new line
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Signs of the times....
These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny!In the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'
On an electrician's truck,
'Let us remove your shorts.'
Outside a radiator repair shop,
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
On a maternity room door,
'Push, Push, Push.'
On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'
At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
On a taxidermist's window,
'We really know our stuff.'
On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'
On a fence,
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'
At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'
In a dry cleaner's emporium,
'Drop your pants here.'
On a desk in a reception room,
'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'
In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a Beauty Shop,
'Dye now!'
In a restaurant window,
'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'
Inside a bowling alley,
'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.'
In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'
Doctor Doctor Collection 13
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
That's shocking!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know!
No a Member
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
When you say "no one's perfect...
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes it as a personal insult.Two Priests on Vacation
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”
Brian Regan: Pick Somebody at Random
You know whats fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 Just Because cards. They cant even ask you why you did it. A nun and a huge man were stan...
A nun and a huge man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said "T.G.I.F." He looked back at her and said "S.H.I.T." The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said "There was no need to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday." The man looked back at her and said, "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."
The American education and Pink Floyd
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.
...
They've left those kids a loan.
Happiness is meeting an old friend
Happiness is meeting an old friend after a long time and feeling that nothing has changed. Hunting With A Wife
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."
Problem With Gas
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"
The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Two men were hunting deer when...
Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.
The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.
He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."
