Jokes of the day for Monday, 05 December 2016

“My friend started te

“My friend started telling me skeleton puns. They were all very rib tickling.”

On his first day of classes at...

On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.
The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.
Then the professor ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began ... "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "
The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance."

Another miracle....

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

You Might Be A Redneck If ...

You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

You need a lot of liquidity to

You need a lot of liquidity to break into the shartphone market.

NUDITY
I was driving wi

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear

A police officer pulls over th...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

The Island of Trid

Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Chuck Norris was banned from c...

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Really funny jokes-Enormity

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything.
Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.
The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room.
The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.
Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions.
When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.
The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

A perfect shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball." The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting your wife from here."

Found on http://www.annualpartee.com/humor.shtml - Golf Jokes and Cartoons web site, posted on April 2005.

Cork Screw

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

Once upon a time Dracula decid...

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

Six guys were playing poker wh...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.