Jokes of the day for Friday, 16 December 2016
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 16 December 2016 |
Why would an hour gl...
“Why would an hour glass only take half an hour to finish? It was filled with quick sand.”
A group of third, fourth and f...
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
A job at the zoo
A father of six children had been out of work for six months. In desperation, he was reading through the want ads in the paper and came across an ad for someone to work at the zoo. The man called the zoo and asked if he could have the job, but was told that he would need to come in for an interview.
The next day he went to the interview, but before beginning, he was told by his potential employer that he would need to raise his hand to the square and promise that the proceedings of the interview would be kept confidential, whether he got the job or not. The man reluctantly took the oath, then asked what this job and oath were all about.
The zoo owner asked the man what he thought the zoo's main attraction was. Without hesitation the man replied, 'Everyone knows that. It's the big ape!'
'Well,' said the zoo owner, 'this is the part you cannot divulge, because we would lose our business. The big ape died, and we need to keep it a secret by putting the ape skin on someone who can imitate the ape--at least until the new ape arrives in three months.' 'That's me!' said the man. 'I can do that! I was a gymnast in high school and college.' The zoo owner then challenged the man to audition by acting like an ape. The man assumed crouched position and began running, jumping, and swinging around the room, imitating the actions and sounds of an ape. 'Wow! You're really good!' said the owner, and immediately gave the man the job.
The next day the man, dressed as the ape, went into the cage and was an instant hit. Everyone heard how the ape was preforming and came to the zoo to see him. The crowds got bigger and bigger as time went by, and the front page of the paper proclaimed, 'The ape has gone ape!'
About two months before the new ape was to arrive, the man had about five hundred people in front of his cage, and he was waxing eloquent. He was flipping and jumping and swinging everywhere, when all of a sudden, at the top of a swing, his rope broke and threw him into the lion's cage. He rolled a few times, coming to rest against the bars, and turned to find himself across the cage from the king of beasts, who lay across the cage with his head down on one paw. He knew right way that he was in trouble, so he began screaming like an ape and running back and forth along the bars in hopes that someone would rescue him from this situation. No one moved. As he looked again, the lion began to move slowly and stalk him. The lion then growled, curled his upper lip over his teeth, and assumed a position to leap. Just at this moment, the man decided that his family was more important to him than his promise to the owner of the zoo. He looked up and started screaming, 'Help! Help! I'm not really an ape, I'm a man. Get me out of here!' The lion looked at him and said in a loud whisper, 'Hush up, you fool! You'll get us both fired!'
1. You work for an acronym, on
1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.
3. The process becomes more important than the product.
4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.
8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.
9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.
12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.
13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.
15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.
18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.
24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
28. Art involves a white board.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
35. Change is the norm.
36. Nepotism is encouraged.
37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.
38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.A few beans short of chili.
A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
A few birds shy of a flock.
A few blocks short of a filesystem.
A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load / pile.
A few chips short of a cookie.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few clues shy of a solution.
A few cold solder joints.
A few ears short of a bushel.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few few cylinders short of a full re-format.
A few fish short of a string.
A few french fries / one hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
Father/Son
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tom
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
There was a blonde driving ...
There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway.She crashed into the car infront of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong? She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left,right, there is a tree. The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.
Chuck Norris got his drivers l...
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.Your car in heaven....
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
Anthony Jeselnik: Christmas Gifts
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. Thats it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine -- because I got her an Xbox. A blonde walks into a bank in...
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A local United Way office real...
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Too Many Roaches
Health inspector: "I'm afraid you have too many roaches in here."
Restaurant owner: "How many am I allowed?"
Out of the mouths of babes
I told my kids that we are no longer saying “shut up” because it sounds mean and can hurt people’s feelings. So my kids are getting creative with their use of words. My 9-year-old daughter was talking and talking, and my 6-year-old son couldn’t take it anymore and said, “SILENCE YOU PEASANT!”
