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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 19 January 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 19 January 2017

The Wisdom of Yoda – a little late

The Wisdom of Yoda – a little late
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

I hired a zombie to...

“I hired a zombie to do some work around my house. He is the working dead.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

A guy who had forgotten the da...

A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.
He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" the guy asked.
"Have you tried a wife?" the clerk responded.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Full-Body Umbrella

Full-Body Umbrella - To Keep You Dry When It Rains | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

My memory

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.61/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (23)

A Maharajah Of India

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
#joke #animal #tiger
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

Why Do Frogs Like St. Patrick's Day?

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fareQ: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?A: A sham rockQ: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? A: Because they're always wearing greenQ: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?A: A Jolly Green GiantQ: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: 'Top o' the moaning!Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
***
Knock, knock! Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
#joke #animal #snake #frog
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

The warehouse smelled like an

The warehouse smelled like an olfactory.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Two guys walking down the stre...

Two guys walking down the street talking. One says to the other, "I wish I had a million dollars."
The second guy says, "Oh, I'm working on my second million."
"Really?" asked the first guy, surprised.
"Yea, I gave up on the first million, didn't quite work out."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

A man walked into a cafe...

A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
#joke #food #steak #drinks #wine #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 July 2015
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Can We....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.  The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 January 2015
  • Currently 9.15/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (59)

To be or not to be? That is th...

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 January 2012
  • Currently 2.84/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (45)

Drunk date

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.

He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.

The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.

So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"

So the man says, "I have to get my date drunk."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

#joke #drinks #vodka
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 January 2011
  • Currently 3.52/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (42)

Hold that thought

Q: what is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold onto a thought.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 January 2012
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (36)

A man lay spread out over thre...

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.
As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?"
The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 07 November 2014
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

International Jazz Day Jokes

April 30th is International Jazz Day! Check some related jokes:

St. Peter in Heaven is checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Okay, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen….."

A jazz musician goes to the doctor to hear the results of a physical check up.
Doctor: I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You only have three weeks to live.
Musician: On what?

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? The rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 1,000 people, the jazz guitarists plays 1,000 chords for 3 people.

PIANIST: "OK, I'll Remember April. First six bars in Ab. Bar 7 modulate down to F. Bar 12, back up to Ab but in 7/8."
SINGER: "That's crazy! I couldn't possibly do that!"
PIANIST: "You did last night . . . "

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.
The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed.
So he pulls out his upright bass and starts taking a solo.
Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.
Shocked by this, the couple asks the counselor: "How did you know that would work?"
"Simple," he says, "Everyone always talks during the bass solo."

What would you have to do to make a jazz musician feel bad about their playing?
Absolutely nothing.

#internationaljazzday

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

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