Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 February 2017
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 09 February 2017 |
“Only real Christmas
“Only real Christmas lovers caribout reindeers.”
University of California – 3 Campuses – 3 Reactions
A story told me during my first year at UCD by a professor who'd been to all three campuses mentioned:
A professor was lecturing at UC Berkeley. He entered the room, took up his position at the front of the room, and said, 'Good morning, class.'
Immediately the room erupted into argument. 'How can you stand there and say the morning is 'good' when all over the world, people are starving, imprisoned, oppressed, ...' The students immediately stage a protest and walk out.
The next quarter, the professor is lecturing at UC Santa Cruz. He entered the room, took up his position at the front of the room, and said, 'Good morning, class.'
Immediately the students stand up, look out the window at the beach, say, 'Dude, you're right!', grab the surfboards and hit the waves.
The next quarter, the professor is lecturing at UC Davis. He enters the room, takes up his position at the front of the room, and says, 'Good morning, class.'
Immediately every head goes to the desk as they all start taking notes, and three students raise their hand and ask, 'Excuse me, will that be on the test?'
The hunched-back man decides v
The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.Doctor: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
Hunchback: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
Doctor: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed.
(Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
Hunchback: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
Doctor: Do you want me to examine your back or not?
(Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
Doctor: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?
Hunchback: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
Doctor: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?
Break in....
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "We had $100 when we broke in!"
Knock Knock Collection 087
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hominy!
Hominy who?
Hominy times are we going to go through this!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Honda!
Honda who?
Honda the spreading chesnut tree...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hope!
Hope who?
Hope you'll have me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Horatio!
Horatio who?
Horatio to the end of the street
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry up and answer this door!
!
Ticket Trouble
A minister was pulled over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, “Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.”The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, “Go thou and sin no more.”Black Powder
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."
I walked into my sister's kit
I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked."She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower. Hang on, let me check."
He stepped into the nearby bathroom and flushed the toilet. A second later a sharp yell came from upstairs.
My nephew walked back out and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."
Mike Birbiglia: Crying Over a Book
I was on the subway the other day, and the guy next to me was crying over a book. He was actually crying. So, I leaned over -- I go, 'You don't know how to read, either?' My mother says she never holds...
My mother says she never holds grudges but then will blindside you with something that happened years ago. Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on your birthday."
And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one. You have a really big head, you know."
A woman goes into a sporting g...
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle."It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a re
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)
Knock Knock Collection 143
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Othello!
Othello who?
Othello you thalked to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Otis!
Otis who?
Otis a sin to tell a lie!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know you're telling the truth?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oewn!
Owen who?
Owen you open this door, I'm going to give you such a roasting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owl!
Owl who?
Owl Aboard!
husband, while on a business t...
husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her."Grandma!
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE".
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, YOU wear the same size as our bed!"
