Jokes of the day for Saturday, 20 May 2017

Charlie was visiting an old fr

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered: "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there isn't anything in the whole wide world that could wake him up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said: "If I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his @$$ and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and had sex with her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie scrumped the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's @$$ hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, I don't mind you scrumpin' my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my @$$ for a scoreboard!"

I'm tired of maintaining

I'm tired of maintaining a state of hypervigilance. You might say ambushed.

I need some advice on what cou

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out "with the girls" a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always look out for her ride coming home but she always walks from around the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. If it really is a taxi why not just get dropped off in front? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she was getting out of. It was while I was crouched behind my car that I noticed rust on my exhaust tip.Should I take it to the dealer for replacement, or should I just take the opportunity to buy the aftermarket 3" I've been looking at. Its a big decision so I thought I would ask for your advice. Maybe I'll just try to buff it out.
Help me out.

The test

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

 Answering Machine Message 50

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks that he/she accidentally dialed long distance.

The Importance of Punctuation

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
'Just where do you think you going?' she asked.
'What do you mean?' I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: 'Thanks for putting up with me. So long.'

“A quarter-acre of un

“A quarter-acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people, but to me it's a lot.”

Al Madrigal: Sketchy Waterfall

Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it's also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there's a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It's like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.

Fighting for Business

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read…
Main entrance.

Why Do Frogs Like St. Patrick's Day?

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fareQ: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?A: A sham rockQ: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? A: Because they're always wearing greenQ: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?A: A Jolly Green GiantQ: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: 'Top o' the moaning!Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter! ***Knock, knock! Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!

A guy was in a cave, looking f...

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

Chuck Norris was once on Celeb...

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Mike Vecchione: Favorite Place to Taser

My favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Fair cause it makes me feel like an evil wizard from the future.

A pastor's wife was expecting...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."