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Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 June 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 June 2017

FAMOUS QUOTES

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- Friar George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Friar Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP!
- Friar Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Friar Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Friar Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Friar Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good spit it out.
author unknown

#joke #animal #fish #mother
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at h

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

“If the founder of Pl

“If the founder of Playboy had become a lumberjack, would he be Hew Hefner?”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - When you have the wife of right size

When you have the wife of right size - Bobi Marjanović knows all the benefits | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.87/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (15)

There was a man who said, "I n

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

#joke #animal #cat #goat
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

If Bible Characters Had Bumper Stickers

Biblical bumper stickers:Jonah: Save the WhalesThe Israelites: Honk If You Love MosesElijah: My Other Chariot RollsGoliath: Support the Ban on SlingshotsLot: If You Can’t See Sodom, You’re Too CloseMethuselah: Be Kind to Senior CitizensFrom "Moses' Favorite Travel Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 05 February 2017
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

 Potatoe Sacks

Three girls were ascaping from jail and were being followed by the cops. One was a brunnet, one was a red head, and the other was a blond. They saw an abondend barn and decided to go in there to hide. They saw 3 potatoe sacks and decided to hide in them. When the cops came in the decided to tap each sack to make sure they wern't in them. The first sack they tapped had the brunnet in it and she yelled," Meow! Meow!" The cops thought it was a cat and moved on to the 2nd sack with the red head in it. When they tapped it she yelled,"Woof! Woof!" The cops thought it was a dog and moved on to the 3rd back with the blond in it. The cops and the blond yelled back," Potatoes! Potatoes!"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 November 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

He who lives by the sword, die...

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 June 2011
  • Currently 2.42/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (52)

Death In The Family

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"

#joke #blonde #drinks #coffee #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 June 2011
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (44)

Mad Dog!

What do you call a dog that hears voices?
A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 June 2013
  • Currently 3.97/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (38)

A Heavenly Welcome

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 June 2010
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (36)

Invisible man

Nurse: "The invisible man is here for his appointment."
Doctor: "Tell him I'm sorry I can't see him right now."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 September 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

International Joke Day Jokes - Why did the chicken cross the road

International Joke Day falls at the halfway point in the year on July 1st

Find some classic "Why did the chicken cross the road" jokes

Also, be sure to check more International Joke Day Jokes to share!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, let the chicken mind its own business.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because this is AMERICA! It can go anywhere it wants.

Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?
To visit his family.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she saw what you did to her eggs.

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house. Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

What caused the chicken to cross the road and enter the circus?
To learn how to juggle.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because chickens are really, really dumb.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Just beak-cause he could.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To find a world where no one would question his intention of crossing the road.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because America’s aging infrastructure doesn’t adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.

Why did the monkey carry the chicken across the road?
So that somebody could tell this joke.

Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to know what all the jokes were about.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was social distancing.

Why couldn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he was chicken.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because it got run over halfway.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders.

Why did the momma chicken cross the road?
To get to the chick-fil-a.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
Because it was “take your child to work day.”

#joke #animal #monkey #chicken #turkey #food #egg
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 July 2012
  • Currently 6.54/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (50)

Two elderly residents, one mal...

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 February 2016
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

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