Jokes of the day for Saturday, 19 August 2017
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 19 August 2017 |
A virile, middle aged Italian
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
Advil helps me edit my essays. I B proofin'. #joke #short
In primitive society, when nat
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground withclubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilizedsociety, it is called golf.Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight andnot too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons,practice constantly -- or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice -once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannotcount, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are thosein front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, playeighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words weretaken.
Odd signs...
These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.
Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.
Bumper Stickers 19
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
"MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!"
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
I Will Miss Them
My son and his wife stopped by Sunday unannounced to visit.
I wouldn't answer the door but I did hold up my new medicine container and pointed to the instructions.
Instructions read: 'Take one tablet before bedtime and Keep away from children.'
Putting Out a Fire...by Fire
During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”The Methodists prayed in a corner.The Baptists wondered where they could find water.The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested.The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.The dorm rules
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Bush vs. Osama
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!
Model Nun
Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!""But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.
"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"
Doug Mellard: Prophylactics
I remember one point, this older gentleman asked me for some prophylactics, and at that time, my sexual vocabulary wasnt that great, you know. So, Im checking my word bank for the closest thing I have to prophylactics. Closest thing I got -- pterodactyls. I was all confused. I was like, Excuse me, sir, I hate to break it to you, but those things have been extinct for 65 million years. 
