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Jokes of the day for Monday, 28 August 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 28 August 2017

A Union Bedtime Story

A Union President was sitting at his son's bedside getting ready to read him a bedtime story.
He starts out, 'Once upon a time and a half...'

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

A husband, proving to his wife

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

“They say that Himala

“They say that Himalayan Roosters can lay eggs but why is that one screaming? Himalayan Rock Salt.”

#joke #short #animal #rooster #food #salt #egg
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.44/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (9)

Fashion designers may not be conservative but they are rather clothes minded.
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Launderette reunion

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

#joke #food #dinner #cabbage #peas
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (22)

 Some Fishing Terms


Ten common fishing terms explained
Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.
Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

#joke #policeman #monday #animal #fish #sport #fishing
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Inertia is a property of Chuck...

Inertia is a property of Chuck Norris.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2011
  • Currently 2.21/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (58)

Dov Davidoff: Starbucks Service

I said, Thats the wrong drink. And he said, Sorry, dude, Im tired. And I was like, Have a frickin coffee, man. Thats why Im here.
#joke #short #drinks #coffee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2011
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (48)

The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on

his first assignment one day. He submitted the following

report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is

recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her

breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a

family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed

the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a

one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital

with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2011
  • Currently 4.52/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (44)

Pokemon for Adults

Q: What do you get when you cross Pikachu with porn?

A: Pikascrew.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 August 2013
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (42)

Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2016
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (33)

What Gear Were You In?

Policeman to Blonde: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Blonde: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 September 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Q: How did the blonde fisherma...

Q: How did the blonde fisherman die?
A: He was run over by the Zamboni.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 September 2015
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
#joke #doctor #food #honey #meal #sport
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 17 August 2009
  • Currently 6.18/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (39)

Absolute Rest

"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."
"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."
"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

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