Jokes of the day for Monday, 04 September 2017

A married couple trying to liv

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Victoria station."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Victoria station? You idiot! Don't you know the No.5 bus doesn't go out to Victoria station?"

“The teacher droned o

“The teacher droned on and on about robots.”

I took a swing at the fog, but

I took a swing at the fog, but I mist.

Read this question, come up wi

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to thebottom for the result. This is not a trick question . It is as itreads.
No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she didnot know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to beher dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, butnever asked for his number and could not find him. A few days latershe killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If youanswered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a testby a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the samementality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in thetest and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer thequestion correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can takeyour crazy ass off my list!

Not speaking...

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

Free Drinks For Everyone

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

No a Member

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

When you say "no one's perfect...

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes it as a personal insult.

Two Priests on Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”

Brian Regan: Pick Somebody at Random

You know whats fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 Just Because cards. They cant even ask you why you did it.

A nun and a huge man were stan...

A nun and a huge man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said "T.G.I.F." He looked back at her and said "S.H.I.T." The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said "There was no need to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday." The man looked back at her and said, "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."

I never wear...

I never wear a Halloween costume... I'm a character all year long!

Furniture stores

“The two largest furniture stores in my hometown are owned by a pretty single lady and a good looking bachelor. They started dating lately. Their customers are hoping for the best. So fa, so good!”

Tea set

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

A professor of chemistry wante...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."