Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 26 September 2017
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 26 September 2017 |
As a diet guru, I advocated th
As a diet guru, I advocated that everyone have twice-daily bowel movements. Now I'm two-poopular for my own good.Job application...
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.Not sure if they hired him....
NAME - Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION - Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD - Reclining on my mom's couch.
SALARY - Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any
PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
Q & A Before & After Marriage
BEFORE MARRIAGE*
Man : I have been waiting for this day
Lady : Do you want me to leave?
Man : No
Lady: Do you love me?
Man: Of course
Lady: Will you ever cheat me?
Man: Never in my life
Lady: Will you ever hug me?
Man: Every chance I get
Lady: Will you hit me?
Man: Are you crazy?
Lady : Can I trust you?
Man: Yes
Lady: Sweet heart
*AFTER 25 YRS of MARRIAGE*
........ *Now Read from bottom to top*
Eight-year-old Sally brought h
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
A housewife with three young c...
A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."
"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"
Jokes About Age
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar
OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction
OLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
Outer Space exists because it ...
Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.Julian McCullough: List of Priorities
I dont have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, I would like these curtains, please. And they were like, $40. And I was like, Nope. Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out Id rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life. Dad Will Never Say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Titanic
Q: What do you get if you cross the atlantic with the titanic?
A: About halfway.
Who said English is easy?
Who said English is easy? Fill this blank with “Yes” or “No”. How many sheep do I have?
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
A big Texan ambles into a Dall...
A big Texan ambles into a Dallas men's room and does a double-take at the little guy standing at the next urinal. He's holding his "snake" with two hands and smiling.The Texan asks "How long is that snake fella?"
"14 inches."
"Is that 14 inches soft?"
"Yes."
"Well how long is it when it's hard?"
The little guy answers proudly, "I don't know - it takes so much blood, I faint!"
Did You See the Joke?
Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
