Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 October 2017
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 18 October 2017 |
Take Your Time
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale. 'My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale,' she said.
'I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,' her friend replied.
'Normally, yes,' she said. 'But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.'
Margie received a bill from th...
![Margie received a bill from th...](/jokes-archive/2017/10/18/Margie-received-a-bill-from-th-.jpg.400.jpg)
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
“Pre-schoolers are li
“Pre-schoolers are like black holes. They draw in everything around them.”
Bible movie remakes? B
Bible movie remakes? Ben Hur, done that.Have A First Child
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
I used to eat a lot of natural...
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Chuck Norris does not beg to d...
Chuck Norris does not beg to differ. Differ begs to Chuck Norris.Little Nancy was in the garden...
![Little Nancy was in the garden...](/jokes-archive/2016/10/18/Little-Nancy-was-in-the-garden-.jpg.400.jpg)
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."
Second Honeymoon
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.""Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...
![Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...](/jokes-archive/2010/10/18/Jessi-Klein-3A-You-Look-A-Lot-Like-.jpg.400.jpg)
BETTER THAN EATING THE EVIDENCE
![BETTER THAN EATING THE EVIDENCE](/jokes-archive/2016/10/18/BETTER-THAN-EATING-THE-EVIDENCE.jpg.400.jpg)
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly.
"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Rory Scovel: Strip Club
![Rory Scovel: Strip Club](/jokes-archive/2012/07/16/Rory-Scovel-3A-Strip-Club.jpg.400.jpg)
She doesn’t trust easily
![She doesn’t trust easily](/jokes-archive/2016/03/07/She-doesn-t-trust-easily.jpg.400.jpg)