Jokes of the day for Thursday, 02 November 2017

Dear Pun Gents

Dear Pun Gents, I’m looking for a pun related to my area of writing and speaking — Humor in the Workplace — that might serve as a blog title or a chapter title in a book. It could related to any sub-themes related to the benefits of humor, such as ‘Laughter is the best medicine’ or ‘Humor boosts productivity and sales’ etc. ~Mike, Canmore, AB

It was a hard call

Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink.
Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25-year duration.
The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. “Might as well pass the time drunk.” He said.
The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. “Might as well have her lovely company,” said he, and the loving wife agreed.
The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. “It’s the only thing that will calm me down all these years.”
They are locked inside, each with his wish.
25 years pass…
It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men.
They open the first prisoner’s door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He was in a corner wasted and hardly alive.
Then they open the second prisoner’s door, and a whole family steps out – babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell.
Then they open the third prisoner’s door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand.“Does anyone,” he asks with a broken voice, “have a light?”

The seven-year old girl told h...

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

“Several states were

“Several states were delighted by the solar eclipse.”

Travel With A Horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Jamaican party

The wife and I are going to a Jamaican party. She told me she wants her hair braided.
I'm dreading it.

Some

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizonanewspapers:
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-hairedbeauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searchingfor sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matchingwhite shoes and belt a plus.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, goodcondition, some hair, many new parts including hip,knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, butwalks well.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has justburied fourth husband looking for someone to round outa six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness ofbreath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you arethe silent type, let's get together, take ourhearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with originalteeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share raresteaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still liketo cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and stilllike to play the air guitar. If you were a groovychick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together andlisten to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday throughThursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday andSunday, let's put our two heads together.

Identity crisis...

A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

A brunette who really hated bl...

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'

Gas Station Fill-up

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

Good Question!

And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"

Fairy tales...

When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"

After 40 years of marriage, th...

After 40 years of marriage, the wife had not received a gift for Xmas, birthday, or anniversary since the first Xmas. So she drug her husband to the counselor.

After explaining all of this to the counselor, she looked at her husband with tears in her eyes and asked, "Why do you treat me this way?"
The husband said, "I am a very practical man, so when you use the first present I got you, I'll get you another."
The counselor asked, "What did he get you?"
The wife bowed her head and whispered, "A cemetery plot."

Odd Rabbi Out

These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried.
"I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!
Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day.
As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.

It rumbled once and dissolved.
"A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...,"
the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Three Doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "
You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"