Jokes of the day for Friday, 24 November 2017

I would tell you a j...

“I would tell you a joke about squirrels, but you would go nuts.”

SCUBA enthusiasts. Now there&#

SCUBA enthusiasts. Now there's a divers group of people.

A father walks into a restaura...

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

More Parent Texting

More Parent Texting

Mary was discussing the variou

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.
During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"
The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

Game Show....

Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We're all excited. My dad got some luggage.

-- Tom Arnold

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 100

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.

Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

Chuck Norris once broke the la...

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Satan vists the church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Boy Scout on the plane

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."

Too Much Analysis

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

Sister Mary Ann

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic.”
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member ShirleyGoodness

Then and Now concerns for people of the baby boom generation

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Harry and his neighbor Joe oft...

Harry and his neighbor Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow Joe's ladder.
Joe said, "Sorry Harry, I've lent it to my son."
Remembering a saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, "Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you'll never get it back."
Joe replied, "Don't worry, it's not my ladder - it's my dad's."