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Jokes of the day for Friday, 08 December 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 08 December 2017

This Woman Knows How To Extract Every Last Bit

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading on her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s’ testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the IRS.”

#joke #doctor #drinks #coffee #father
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

“Silver. Pretty solid

“Silver. Pretty solid.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

The mother and father had just

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Just because I kissed an Irish

Just because I kissed an Irishman doesn’t make me Gaelic.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

 Employee Want Ad Translations


Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 December 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

A blonde was playing Trivial P

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 August 2015
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Shhhhh....

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Darn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 December 2014
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

A married couple were asleep w...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, thewife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment andsaid, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, someyoung woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 December 2009
  • Currently 6.08/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (78)

Furniture

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.

"I'll get the door." says the first ovary.

She looks out the peep hole and says, "Did you order furniture?"

"No, why?" askes the other ovary.

"Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 December 2011
  • Currently 3.62/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (60)

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

#joke #food #salt #drinks #whisky #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 December 2011
  • Currently 5.77/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (48)

Email of the species

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 December 2008
  • Currently 3.47/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (32)

How many is a Brazilian?

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster announces that six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Confused, her husband says: "It is sad, but they were skydiving. There were risks involved."

"I know," the blonde says. "But how many is a Brazilian?"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 June 2013
  • Currently 5.73/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (11)

The Question

Mrs. Applebaum was surprised when she saw her son Burt at home. 'Why are you home from school so early?' asked Mrs. Applebaum.
'I was the only one who could answer a question,” replied Burt.
'Oh, really?” said Mrs. Applebaum proudly. “What was the question?'
'Who threw the eraser at the principal?'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 28 April 2017
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Knowing Your Spouse

One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, “Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on.” And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, “I just know I left the iron on.”

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.

#joke #mother #mom #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 August 2011
  • Currently 7.18/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (11)

An eagle was sitting on a tree...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
#joke #animal #rabbit #fox
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 July 2016
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

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