Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 23 January 2018

The Typewriter

They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked, 'Hey Mom, what's this?'
'Oh, that's an old typewriter,' she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.
'Well what does it do?' they asked.
'I'll show you,' she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.
'WOW!' they exclaimed, 'That's really cool.! But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?'
'There is no plug,' she answered. 'It doesn't need a plug.'
'Then where do you put the batteries?' they persisted.
'It doesn't need batteries either.' she continued.
'Wow! This is so cool!' they exclaimed. 'Someone should have invented this a long time ago!'

People were dying to...

“People were dying to meet the new mortician.”

A young couple were on their h...

A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

 Party In The Kingdom

In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.
Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!"
The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!", he said and vanished.
All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.
The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.
One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.
The king looked about him. "Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?", he said.
"I will, sir!", said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.
The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!
Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.
"How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"
The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS."

Kids in the back seat cause ac...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

The old man and the priest...

An old man from way out in the boondocks made it to new York and got on the subway. He sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked the man, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The young man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father, but I wear my collar frontways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."

The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have six sons, five daughters and many grandchildren. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"

The priest, flustered, said impatiently,

"Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

The old man, taken aback, sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway car, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

Coffee Maker

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."

A man runs to the doctor and s...

A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"

Passing A School Bus

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
"Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction"
I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads:
"Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction".

Blonde jokes-Vac

Deborah, the busty blonde who was on vacation, sent home a postcard.

She writes: Hi folks, me having a great time. Where am I?

Before you start to judge me

Before you start to judge me, step into my shoes and walk the life i'm living, and if you get as far as i am, just maybe you will see how strong i really am.

Hypothetically Speaking

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

In a fight between Batman and ...

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Proud Of Daddy

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Murphy's Laws for Parents

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses - will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt you child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
(Tom's note: Isn't something ALWAYS in the last place you look? I mean, you don't keep looking once you've found it, do you?)
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.