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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 01 April 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 01 April 2018

An Atheist's Holiday

An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge.

After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!"

The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?"

The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"

- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.70/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (74)

 Answering Machine Message 43


Militaristic mechanical voice: FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Matzah & a Passover Haiku

A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, 'Who wrote this?'

***
Passover Haiku:
On Passover we opened the door for Elijah
Now our cat is gone.

#joke #animal #cat #food #lunch #eating
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Grocery store worker...

“Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (12)

An old fellow was celebrating...

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 March 2017
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

The preacher's Sunday sermon...

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 September 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Advice from children...

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

#joke #animal #cat #dog #bat #food #drinks #milk #sport #baseball #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 April 2015
  • Currently 8.05/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (21)

Bingo sign

How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?

Put up a Bingo sign.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

#joke #short #animal #cow
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 April 2011
  • Currently 5.41/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (51)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"God is coming --
and is SHE pissed!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 April 2011
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (46)

Jo Koy: When Monkeys Get Mad

When monkeys get mad, they crap in their hand and they throw it. How cool is that? Whos going to fight a guy with a lump of crap in his hand?
#joke #short #animal #monkey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 April 2012
  • Currently 4.19/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (42)

1. "Weather at our destination...

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 01 April 2010
  • Currently 6.53/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (34)

Bill, wake up!

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 April 2015
  • Currently 7.06/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (17)

The Wisdom of Yoda – a little late

The Wisdom of Yoda – a little late
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 January 2017
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Don't Step on the Ducks

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 9.05/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (43)

What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
#joke #fruit #apple
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (13)

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