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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 17 April 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 17 April 2018

How accurate is this?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

What am I supposed to do with this?

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

If you want to deliv...

“If you want to deliver a compliment, you have to address them properly.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

The following ad in the Atlant...

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:
"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.
#joke #food #dinner #eating #sport #hunting #fishing
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

How To Kill A Blonde

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: put spikes on her/his shoulder pads.
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.93/10

Rating: 1.9/10 (14)

Mozart Beyond the Grave

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Mid Semester Final Exam

One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinkinig till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.

They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could take the test after 3 days. The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.

On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:

MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION

INSTRUCTIONS : All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS) Q.2. Write the name of the bride and groom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS) Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS) Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS) Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)

#joke #wedding #bride
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 April 2015
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (28)

A man with a bag of Lays potat...

A man with a bag of Lays potato chips taunted Chuck Norris: "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris ate the chips, the bag, and the man.
#joke #short #chuck-norris #food #potato
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 April 2014
  • Currently 3.70/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (83)

A Puzzle for Darwin

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 April 2009
  • Currently 4.69/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (78)

One day a little girl was sitt...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 April 2016
  • Currently 9.11/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (46)

Happy Friday

Did someone say friday??
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 April 2015
  • Currently 5.74/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (35)

Helicopter Flying Lessons

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to

learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to

instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the

basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000

feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view

is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was

to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and

was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed

about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the

wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!

Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was

starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I

turned off the big fan!"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 April 2012
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (30)

Living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 April 2015
  • Currently 6.72/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (18)

Mike Birbiglia: Sex and Pizza

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When its good, its good. When its bad, you get it on your shirt.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 March 2010
  • Currently 2.91/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (46)

Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
“I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“You'll know tonight.” he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…

“The Meaning of Dreams”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 April 2014
  • Currently 7.84/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (79)

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