Jokes of the day for Thursday, 10 May 2018

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo

If I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

“Did you hear about t

“Did you hear about the exiled barrel? He was casked out!”

An Offering From the Bottom of My….

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?""No," her mother replied."Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl."Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked."Yes," the little girl replied."How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked."I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

An old man, a boy and a donkey

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking andthe boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They thendecided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge,they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
**The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.**

 Sports Entrance Exam

 UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
 SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
 (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient
 Babylonian Empire with particular
 reference to architecture, literature,
 law and social conditions
 -OR-
 give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
 (a) build a bridge
 (b) sail the ocean
 (c) lead an army or
 (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (please check
 only one answer)
 (a) Jewish
 (b) Catholic
 (c) Hindu
 (d) Polish
 (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is
 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is
 on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given?
 (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north
 called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called
 George, the last one being George the
 Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
 (a) Macy's
 (b) a 7-11
 (c) Canada
 (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory
 of Relativity?
 (a) yes
 (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National
 Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of
 Dynamic Equilibrium
 -OR-
 spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story
 building located?
17. Which part of America produces the
 most oranges?
 (a) New York
 (b) Florida
 (c) Canada
 (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math.
 If you have three apples how many apples
 do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.)
 stand for?
*You must answer three or more questions
correctly to qualify*

Abe and Esther are flying to ...

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system the Captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Prove your identity...

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.

Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers.

The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

Rainbows are what happens when...

Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, li...

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Daniel Tosh: Blaming the Amish

Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'F**k that.'

Steven Wright 21

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

What do batteries run on?

Are there any questions?

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

A native american hitchhiker and brown paper bag

A native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.

As they were driving along, the Indian noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.

The city man replied:

"It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife".

The Indian looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said: "Good trade".

If climate change is...

“If climate change is causing the sea level to rise, does that mean that the oceans are getting too big for their beaches?”

I'm sick of vegans

I'm sick of vegans interrogating me about my eating habits.
It's like the Spinach Inquisition!