Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 05 June 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 05 June 2018 |
A college graduate was sufferi
A college graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results."Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them up my butt?"
“Having rumpled cloth
“Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.”
My grandmother started walking
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would haveput them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add oneminute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend anadditional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
Confuse Traffic Signs
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
My Wife a Chicken
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
The Inspired Sermon
The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.” The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.Absolutely nothin'
Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit."
Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it."
Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do you think I could do that too?" Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I dont see why not!" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing.
In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.
The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.
According to a news report, a...
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.... She explained that all these lip prints were causinga major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators... Funny Quotes from Gore
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
Contrary to popular belief the...
Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.The Advil Commandments
So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."
A devoted wife had spent her l...
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Drunk driver?
A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.
At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
A Taxi Driver and a Priest Die…
He waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that taxi driver go to the highest level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"St. Peter replies: "When you were speaking to the people at your church, everybody was sleeping. But when that taxi driver was driving, everybody prayed!"
