Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 19 June 2018

A 6th Grade Teacher Asks a Question

A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”

Prosecutor: I'll ask you one

Prosecutor: I'll ask you one last time, did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No sir, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes sir, I do. And I know they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

“I thought I saw a le

“I thought I saw a leopard but it was just a dotted line.”

A Heavenly Welcome

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

1. Refuse to take action on na

1. Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.
2. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.
3. Consider the power of negative thinking.
4. Hide your sense of humor. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.
5. If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.
6. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.
7. Practice the art of "hurry up and wait". This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.
8. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.
9. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.
10. Never read a book or listen to music.
11. Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important documents from yourself.
12. Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.
13. Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.
14. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.
15. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.
16. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.
17. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.
18. When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.

 George Bush Slogans

Top George Bush Slogans

1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
   
2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
   
3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
   
4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
   
5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
   
6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
   
7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!
   
8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
   
9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
   
10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.
    

Blarney stone...

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

He who lives by the sword, die...

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

Death In The Family

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"

Mad Dog!

What do you call a dog that hears voices?
A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

A Heavenly Welcome

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Be silly. Be fun. Be different. Be crazy. Be you

Be silly. Be fun. Be different. Be crazy. Be you, because life is too short to be anything but happy.

No room at the inn...

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.

I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'

...and he sat up all night watching me."

Kissing the secretary

One fine morning Dean came early into the office and caught his subordinate,Martin kissing his secretary.
Angered, Dean screamed: “Martin, do I pay you good salary for doing this?”
Martin: “No sir, I am doing this for free.”

Two elderly gentlemen, who had...

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"