Jokes of the day for Thursday, 19 July 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 19 July 2018 |
A Blonde woman was standing ne
A Blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope.A gentleman being curious asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for.
The blonde responded by saying, "The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture."
Nun of Your Business
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair. ”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. “The curlers are on me.”
John the farmer was in the fer
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.He had several hundred young layers (hens), calledpullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was tofertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and anyrooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot andwas replaced.That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a setof tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Eachbell had a different tone so John could tell from adistance, which rooster was performing. Now he couldsit on the porch and fill out an efficiency reportsimply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a veryfine specimen he was, too. But on this particularmorning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung atall! John went to investigate. The other roosterswere chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell inhis beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on apullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Johnwas so proud of Butch, he entered him in the countyfair.
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the"No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the"Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Whoelse but a politician could figure out how to win twoof the most highly coveted awards on our planet bybeing the best at sneaking up on the populace andscrewing them when they weren't paying attention?
Dating Hints For Men
Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
Tourists
A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."
Growing penis
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
John Caparulo: Airport Security Inspection
I had my dog in one of those kennel carrier things, you know those boxes... They made me take the dog out of the carrier, so they could inspect it for explosives. Who bombs a f**king puppy? Really, who does that? Bin Laden would be like, Youre a dick, dude. I cant believe you -- thats too far.
Last requests
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "
A dietitian was once addressin...
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Knock Knock Collection 097
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Isaiah!
Isaiah who?
Isaiah nothing till you open this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Istvan!
Istvan who?
Istvan to be alone!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy be a big job!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan enormous snake in my pocket!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivana!
Ivana who?
Ivana be rich!
A sign in a restaurant window reads...
A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars." A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying.
The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration.
On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!"
The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread."
The trick...
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Late one Sunday afternoon, a b...
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a Pennsylvania small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree. "Help!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes: "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that nothing around here opens on a Sunday!"
