Jokes of the day for Thursday, 02 August 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 02 August 2018 |
An old man went to the college...
An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."
The old man said, "And the same old story..."
A old woman was sipping on a g...
A old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"...Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?
She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."
Lol
Doc, I think I'm a bridge.' 'What's come over you?' 'So far, three cars, a truck and a bus.Always choose a memorable password!
A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types: ..... mypenis.
As he hits 'enter', to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
In the Beginning…
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.Then God created man, and then they both rested.Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested. Signs of Irony...
Maternity Clothes Shop:We Are Open On Labor Day
Non-smoking area:
If We See You Smoking, We Will Assume You Are On Fire And Take Appropriate Action
On Maternity Room Door:
Push,Push,Push
Optometrist's Office:
If You Don't See What You're Looking For,You've Come To The Right Place
Scientist's Door:
Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window:
We Really Know Our Stuff
Podiatrist's Window:
Time Wounds All Heels
Butcher's Window:
Let Me Meat Your Needs
Car Dealership:
The Best Way To Get Back On Your Feet - Miss a Car Payment
Muffler Shop:
No Appointment Necessary. We'll Hear You Coming
Hotel:
Help! We Need Inn - Experienced People
Veterinarian's Waiting Room:
Be Back In 5 Minutes. Sit! Stay!
Music Teacher's Door:
Out Chopin
At the Electric Company:
We Would Be Delighted If You Send In Your Bill. However, If You Don't, You Will Be.
Garbage Truck:
We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got
Computer Store:
Out For a Quick Byte
Restaurant Window:
Don't Stand There and Be Hungry, Come In And Get Fed Up
Bowling Alley:
Please Be Quiet. We Need To Hear A Pin Drop.
Music Library:
Bach In A Minuet
Jon Dore: Predict the Words
I dont like cell phones. Im never sending another text message as long as I live because I dont like a phone that tries to predict the words Im trying to send to people. Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day. But I meant to text, You should get tested. Jessi Klein: Backhanded Compliment
Guys have said to me, You know, Jessi, part of what makes you so pretty is you have no idea how pretty you are. And then theyre just like, Enjoy. And Im like, That is not nice. That is like, at best, thats like a backhanded compliment. And at worst, thats just like a forehanded insult because I know that what that sentence really means is, Part of what makes you so pretty is that your self-esteem is so low, its easier for me to f**k you. A pregnant woman gets into a c...
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Gourmet Reporter
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"
Ex-Girlfriend
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Jonah's Fate
After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday. Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"
