Jokes of the day for Thursday, 06 September 2018
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 06 September 2018 |
People are always te...
“People are always telling me to keep my nose to the grindstone, but I'm afraid that will cause me to lose face.”
The Vote for Heaven or Hell
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the senator. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable." The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"How was your golf game, dear?
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife."Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
That's a bit expensive just f
That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.
Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought youwere a man...
I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because hesaid it made me look like Edna Everage.
Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...
Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU
Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself
Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the'plain, severe and drab' look in this season?
Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?
Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers
I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuateyour roots
Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like anyhelp?
Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?
God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?
I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and Ifollowed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, fourskirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's reallyall you...
Animals Go To Heaven
A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?'
The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'
Cabbies....
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
Loni Love: All the Holidays
![Loni Love: All the Holidays](/jokes-archive/2010/09/06/Loni-Love-3A-All-the-Holidays.jpg.400.jpg)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat dea...
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.Speech Impediment
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?""Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?"
inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"
A 70-year-old man has never be...
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?""Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
News Headlines 03
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
New Submarine Ensign
![New Submarine Ensign](/jokes-archive/2016/11/13/New-Submarine-Ensign.jpg.400.jpg)
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
Recently a teacher, a garbage ...
![Recently a teacher, a garbage ...](/jokes-archive/2009/12/02/Recently-a-teacher-2C-a-garbage-.jpg.400.jpg)
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
These two guys had both just g...
![These two guys had both just g...](/jokes-archive/2017/10/15/These-two-guys-had-both-just-g-.jpg.400.jpg)
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble."
The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left.
The following year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah," said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him," said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board!"
APRIL FOOL'S DAY PRANKS - Drippy
![APRIL FOOL'S DAY PRANKS - Drippy](/jokes-archive/2016/03/20/APRIL-FOOL-S-DAY-PRANKS-Drippy.jpg.400.jpg)