Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 September 2018

There was this young couple wh

There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex because the boy's mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.
They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey, here's the moment we've been waiting for.... It's time to consummate our marriage."
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I'm not going down there!"
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs has teeth."
The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "Oh my! With gum disease like that, it's no wonder you have no teeth!!"

Real Church Signs

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.

“Paratroopers pull st

“Paratroopers pull strings to stay on the job.”

Punished

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

After retiring, I went to the

After retiring, I went to the Social Security officeto apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me formy driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realizedI had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I wouldhave to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about myexperience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. Youmight have gotten disability, too'

 May I Borrow Your Dog For A Few Days?

It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

National Geographic

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

"How did you get so smart?"

Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Buckwheat

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo

I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb!

Jimmy Dore: Growing Up in a Big Family

They go, Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, dont you? Yeah, I learned that Im replaceable.

How was your game, dear?

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. 
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. 
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. 
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. 
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. 
"Yup," Scott answered. 
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 
"I forgot."

Best friends are like siblings

Best friends are like siblings from different parents.

I Am Going To Shop

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Some Last Minute Requests

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."