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Jokes of the day for Friday, 28 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 28 September 2018

At a naval barracks the enlist

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.
"What's the matter, mate?" asked the sick-bay attendant. "Not feeling well?"
"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

“Paratroopers pull st

“Paratroopers pull strings to stay on the job.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

You Don't Believe All That Stuff, Do You?

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It's the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It's in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
#joke #animal #whale
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

The Other 2 Wishes – A Blonde Redneck Guy Story

A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (35)

 Preventive Medicine Belief


Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 13 October 2016
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

An elderly gentleman went to t

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacistto fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 December 2015
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

The recital

A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !" The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

#joke #food #dinner
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 October 2015
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

One wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 September 2015
  • Currently 8.51/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (82)

Douche

Have you heard about the new types of douche on the market?

There is aloe vera scented, peach flavor, and chicken flavor.

The aloe vera is to tighten it up for the penis.

The peach is sweeter for the eater.

And the chicken is finger lickin' good.

Submitted by Curtis

Editted by Tantilazing

Reniewed by Calamjo

#joke #animal #chicken #fruit #peach
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 September 2011
  • Currently 2.44/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (62)

Chuck Norris' first job was as...

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 September 2011
  • Currently 2.95/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (60)

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a...

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 September 2010
  • Currently 6.16/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (45)

Jordan Rubin: New Cell Phone

You ever get a new cell phone and youre too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 September 2011
  • Currently 5.41/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (46)

How do fish keep up...

“How do fish keep up with what's going on? They listen to the current news.”

#joke #short #animal #fish
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 January 2017
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Russian Military Strategy

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, 'Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, 'Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, 'All indications point to China.”
Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, 'General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, 'Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the number of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East, we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause, an officer from the back of the auditorium asked, 'Do we have enough Jews?

Big Thanks to Joseph Pontarelli for sharing

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 21 May 2018
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Jon Reep: Southern Accents

People think youre an idiot. I dont know where they get that idea. But when they hear my accent for the first time, I can tell theyre looking at me and theyre just waiting for me to say something like, What are shoes for?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 June 2010
  • Currently 4.37/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (41)

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