Jokes of the day for Saturday, 20 October 2018

Thoughts To Ponder Thoughts To Ponder
1. Is there ever a day that mattresses aren't on sale?
2. They make bullet proof vests, why not bullet proof pants?
3. Is there any difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
4. How does one know when their bagpipes need tuning?
5. Allstate Insurance has a disclaimer that reads: not available in all states. What?
6. Why does the word lisp have an "s" in it?
7. How come you never read the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
8. Is it really possible to change the direction of a bowling ball by waving your hands?
9. There's senior citizens, so why aren't there junior citizens?
10. They say laughter is the best medicine - so who came up with the phrase, "I died laughing"?

#joke

Cajun Confession

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site." Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."Priest: "What did you do with it?"Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."Priest: "OK, anything else?"Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car garage."Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."Priest: "Yes?"Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"Boudreaux: "No, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

“The man working in a

“The man working in a dowel factory has his job pegged.”

 Hahahahahaha

The joke is:























!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baseball bat

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"

One summer evening during a vi...

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."

Viagra/Gore

What's the difference between Viagra and Al Gore.....Viagra

really works !

Weeping Willows are a result o...

Weeping Willows are a result of Chuck Norris yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

True or false?

A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

Ponderings Collection 34

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?

Patton Oswalt: Obituary Fear

My other big obituary fear is, when I die, theyll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, He loved to laugh. Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesnt tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh -- youre laughing! Thats like saying, He hungered for food.

A good life is when

A good life is when you assume nothing,

Zen Sarcasm, Part 3

1. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
2. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
3. Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
4. A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
5. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
6. I feel like I'm parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
7. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.-

Scary Flight

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

Why You So Fat?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.

"Tony! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.

"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."

"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."

Pop says.

Then Pop looks at his middle son.

"Fred! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.

"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."

"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."

Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"

"It's easy, Pop," John says.

"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."

"Pussy? Pussy?"

Pop says.

"That tastes like shit!"

"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."