Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 11 December 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 11 December 2018 |
A fellow charged with robbing
A fellow charged with robbing a sporting-goods store asked a lawyer to defend him."I will take your case," the lawyer said, "if you will assure me of two things: that you are innocent, and that you will pay me $1600."
The client thought for a moment, then said, "Will you do it for $400 and a nice set of golf clubs?"
Helping Your Father
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Things You Should Never Say To A Police Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No doughnut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V show Cops?
The Preacher and the Peanuts
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
At NC State University, the...
At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?
Matt Braunger: Dove Made of Rainbows
When a woman has an orgasm, its like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. Its awesome. Even other women are like, Aw, shes having a nice time; thats cool. When a guy has an orgasm, its like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, youre going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted. Brian Regan: Unilingual
Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? Im not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldnt say that. I dont give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff. A very elderly couple is havin...
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."
Spanish Fly
A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.
She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink.
The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.
Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, OK, put some of that in her drink.
As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy.
Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear. 'Let's go shopping.'
Greg Giraldo: On Catholicism
We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story. Police Officer in Bed
What happens when a police officer gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.
You Might Be A Redneck If ...
You might be a redneck if...Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
One day in philosophy class th...
One day in philosophy class they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, one student was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home he tried to continue the discussion with his family. With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?"
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
