Jokes of the day for Monday, 10 December 2018

“'I like to go with

“'I like to go with the flow', said the hydrologist, fluidly.”

 Robert Schmidt 05

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

A Unitarian Miracle and Other UU Jokes

Q: Have you heard the latest UU miracle?A: Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.Q: Why can't Unitarian Universalists sing very well in choirs?A: Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the next verse.Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian Universalist with a Jehovah's Witness?A: Somebody who comes knocking at your door for no apparent reason.

Did They All Live Happily Ever After?

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:
“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: “You have one more wish, what will you have?”

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:

“I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”

At the doctor's office...

At the doctor's office.
- What bothers you?
- I have a bad memory.
- Ok. What else?
- I have a very bad memory.
- What else?!
- And... I have a really bad memory.
- Yes, I understand that you have a bad memory! What else??
- And I have hearing problems.
- What else?
- What did you say?
- What else?!
- Say it again?
- What else?!
- Ah-ah! And I have a bad memory.

The accountant

An accountant got out of bed and complained that he had not slept a wink.

"Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked

"I did, that is what got me into trouble" the accountant replied "I made a mistake during the first hour, and it took me until this morning to correct it."

A man phones home from his off...

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.

In a fight between Batman and ...

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

A guy gets set up on a blind d...

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.
She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, how about the Mississippi river?"

Soap And Water

After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner.
When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.
Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

A new soldier was on sentry du...

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

A police officer in a small to...

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Cockney parrot

A guy walks into a pet shop looking for a pet, as he glanced into the back room he sees a beautiful parrot all alone in a cage so he said to the pet shop owner "is that parrot for sale?"
"Not really said the shop owner you see I’ve sold him twice before but he always gets brought back because he is so big headed".
The guy said "no problem I like a challenge so I’ll take him".

When he get home with the parrot he takes the cover off the cage and immediately the parrot says "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k", he keeps repeating it all afternoon.
So, the guy thinks i'll cure him and he goes back to the pet shop and buys a kestrel, takes it home and the parrot immediately says
"I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k", so the guy pops the kestrel in the cage and nothing happens.
Next morning when he goes downstairs the Kestrel is dead at the bottom of the cage and not a feather ruffled on the parrot.
"Told you" said the parrot, "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k".

Right said the guy I will cure you this time so he gets a Peregrine from the pet shop and again pops it in the cage with the parrot thinking this will sort him out!
Still nothing happens.
Next morning when he comes downstairs the Peregrine is dead on the bottom of the cage and not a feather ruffled on the parrot.
"Told you" said the parrot, "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k".

The guy is really annoyed now so again visits the pet shop and gets a Golden Eagle thinking there is no way the parrot is going to do this bird. Again he pops the Eagle into the cage with the parrot and again nothing happens.
Next morning when he comes downstairs he sees the Eagle dead at the bottom of the cage and the parrot without a single feather on his body.
"What happened here", said the guy?
"I had to take my coat off for that b@st@rd".

A man was seen fleeing down th...

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

Sue reports for jury duty as o...

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."